I wrote this back in June while I was tripping on LSD. It’s stream-of-consciousness and jumbled up but I thought you guys might find it interesting.
you project onto girls what’s going on in your life… or they cause things to be going on… I guess it’s sort of circular
thinking about closing yourself off to the world… to protect something, but realizing there is nothing in there, it’s just the ego, all made up, there’s nothing really there to protect, so it’s really completely pointless to close yourself off at all, because there’s nothing in there. It’s circular almost, it’s like the ego is protecting itself by fucking up your body and your emotions and everything else and twisting them in and bending them around to protect SOMETHING but at the center of all of it there’s nothing!
movement, how moving all the time is good because the universe is moving all the time
and how “cool” looks to some people like they are trying to look cool, where as to other people they actually look cool
feel like shaking a lot, vibrations man, it feels good, typing feels good I am shaking my legs and stuff as I type this and I feel really good, like I’m on caffeine or something but much, much better. I love the feeling of creating with a computer, having thoughts in my head and then making them real by typing it on a keyboard, what a miracle of the universe that I can press a button with my finger and have my thoughts become a reality. Laughing now because of the sort of meta self aware aspect of it… Bigger window… More space to type… More space to feel good… More shaking in my body…
Got up and did more shaking… It’s only been a few minutes but it feels like it’s been a lot longer, does this sound cliche? Or does thinking about it like that make it not cliche? I have no idea… But it’s not a very profound or useful thought, is it? The intellectual exercise of moving my hands on the keyboard, of describing my experience, this feels good, I like the sensation of typing right now, but maybe I like the sensation of everything? Yes I think there is some truth to that. I wonder if my thoughts will become more abstract harder to follow as this goes on. I feel like it is already getting more difficult to type but it has only been like 8 minutes WEnt back to type some more stuff in the ego part
Earlier I was thinking about kailadescopes and things too like how that is what people try to represent what you can see now to a person not in this state but it doesn’t really quite do it, but now I guess I see why or how they saw those shapes and stuff
I feel like this is getting more and more retarded… The world feels fucking crazy… I think I’m going to go lie back down on the couch and let this take me wherever it’s going to take me
life is a miracle. every day is a miracle and gratitude is so important.
before I was thinking but forgot to write down: those times when you feel like something good happens to you but you don’t deserve it, that’s the time to have the most gratitude for, that’s when being grateful seems obvious I guess,
something I meant to write down earlier but now I am too messed up to express it coherently. So hopefully I get it back or something. But it’s like sometimes you feel like you don’t deserve when good things happen to you, but just be grateful for it and that’s it! Just be happy and glad that it is happening like that.
Does the ego only exist in relation to other people? Was thinking about that, there’s girls, and friends, and how you relate to them, then there’s your family, and I guess a bunch of other relations in your life but those are the most important ones. And they kind of bleed together a lot of the time.
Compared to mushroom: everything is going into itself more so than on shrooms but at the same time less. Impossible to explain. Good writing is done through short sentences. Short. Sentences.
This is awesome though really.
Was standing out on the balcony trying to make things look bigger or smaller; sort of worked. Maybe good writing is good in that it’s the most accurate expression of what you’re thinking?
Was looking in the mirror before also, saw how the body is an accurate expression, healthy expression, of what it is supposed to be… I wanted to say self but that sounds kind of stupid, But the face was not a healthy expression of whatever it was. I made some faces and shook it around and whatever but that remains and I think it is something to think about.
It’s been four and half hours, should be peaking around some time. Like now. I don’t know. I don’t know why I am still typing. It’s automatic, coming out of my fingers, tap tap tap tap bang bang bang bang – command S. Repeat.
Not sure how clever I am. Maybe not at all. But maybe clever. Again, not sure.
Not sure about a lot of things right now. In a micro sense but also in a macro sense.
Had a lot of good thoughts earlier about playing the role of the ego. And that it’s ok to do it, and that everyone is doing it, and that’s fine. Play the game, it’s a fun game! It really is fun. That was my thinking earlier. Everyone’s persona interacting with all the other ones, but really everyone’s just the same thing. Very hard to express. I felt the same thing looking at dirt in the kitchen, dirt is dirt but at the same time it’s just things on other things. Like what is the difference between that thing and that. Nothing really.
There are good thoughts in here you just have to wade through all the bullshit — I don’t like the feeling of writing someone else’s words. But they are a tool that you can use, to express yourself, to make your own writing better. Phrases, expressions, etc. that you have heard before are all other people’s. But ultimately language is always other people’s. Lost my train of thought there.
Also was thinking about thinking and being in the moment. Writing is sort of a weird one it’s like neither, or both, because you are thinking but at the same time doing, and expressing your thinking directly (sort of) through your doing. So it at once brings you very into the moment but also keeps you entirely in your head.
Duals, opposites, etc. You can’t have one without the other, but really they’re just the same thing.
And was thinking about consciousness, what is it really, just experience I guess, and experience being aware of it’s own experience. So a bunch of sensory perception
I can see how this would be of more value the smarter you are. Or at least creative, or something. Like how it helped Steve Jobs create Apple and The Beatles be The Beatles.
Can’t tell if that’s my writing, or another person’s style, you know?
I’m definitely trying to find my style. But isn’t style just self expression? So I am trying to find my own self expression
It’s now 1:35, I might go back inside – don’t know why I said inside because I am inside, inside my room, but going back into the apartment from my room feels like going back inside something
Curious to see if this is all nonsense tomorrow!
Anyway, 1:36. Might go try to find [roommate], have something to eat, or something. See you soon, probably.
Keep your audience in mind. Or keep in mind that you aren’t writing to an audience. That seems so obvious or stupid but I think it’s very important. Anyways peace.
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