This is the final part of a message that I wrote to Luke Eilers (Gold Jacket Luke) describing a weird and amazing experience that I had on Modafinil while in Thailand. Here is Part 1 and Part 2.
Aftermath
At about 12AM (I couldn’t fall asleep due to the modafinil keeping me up) I got out of bed and wrote some more notes down. At this point most of it had worn off (the modafinil as well as the feeling of an altered state of consciousness) and I had watched a bunch of your videos before I went to bed which had me thinking about different things.
I got out of bed a few times to write more notes down on my computer, and one time as I was getting back into bed I thought/it hit me “Remember, you’re living your dream”. What I meant by this is that coming out here to Thailand, trying to build a business and my blog, had been my dream goal for some time, and now I am actually living it. It’s the dream of this character, the dream of “Aaron”. I then realized that at the same time as being everything, this character of “me” is also who I am.
During the experience I was very disassociated with my ego and I think what happened here was in part coming “back to being me”. I don’t know if you’ve ever taken LSD but the comedown from my one strong trip felt like I was returning to “being me” again or somehow coming back to “playing the character of me”. And this is how I felt at this moment, like partly still disassociated but partly coming back to being me/myself. As I started to feel like “myself” more again I started getting kind of egotistical in that moment, and thinking things like “I’m me!” and “This is my life”.
I felt that while the ego is a construction, it’s still there. Even if it’s just the perception that it’s there, perception is reality so in a sense it is still there. I thought back to the example of my mom again, and how sees me as “Aaron” and of course this is how I see myself most of the time as well. Even if I don’t see myself as “me” (like how I’ve just described) someone else does and that still makes it real. This was my line of thinking as I “came down” from the experience.
Here’s what I wrote down after thinking about that:
“I get to play the character, I acknowledge that. I experience life through this character, Aaron is the character, the ego, the persona, whatever. This is what “I” experience the universe through, what I experience life through, even though I know I’m everything as well. This is the game, the ride, all the ups and downs, the dreams and hopes and aspirations the emotions the achievement the accomplishment the adventure you get to experience it all through this person. This is a good person to be, I like being me. I like loving the people in my life, I like expressing myself through me, if that makes sense.”
Then I started thinking about my blog again and I realized that it is my mission, maybe not my life mission but it’s definitely my mission right now. I thought about how I should just stop lying to people about what I’m working on (because I don’t tell people I’m writing it) and just be open about everything. I then resolved to put my name on it rather than write it anonymously (which I am going to do).
I still couldn’t sleep, so I sort of randomly went on Tinder and liked a bunch of girls and matched with some of them. It felt good, and I thought about how I’m going to try to bang these girls and that’s going to feel good too. I thought about how I like feeling like an attractive guy that girls want to fuck and how it’s fun.
Then I wrote this:
“The point is: you can drop all the shit, because you recognize that it’s a construction of the ego. You recognize that it’s all fake. Play the game, but be real man. Be honest and be true to “yourself”/the universe’s expression through you. Drop all the garbage and the useless shit, the fear and the nervousness, any negativity, just let it all go. It’s not real. You can choose to not have it, by just being genuine and letting shit flow. Be open and be honest to people, as open as you can be. Just tell the truth.”
After aftermath
My final thought, which I had this morning, is that the experience may have been an LSD flashback or at least related to that somehow. The more I think about it now, the more I want to attribute it to that, but at the same time I know that in my normal state of consciousness there is the desire to try to explain away spiritual experiences with “rational” explanations. I am pretty open to theories about psychedelics/DMT actually transporting us to another dimensions or another world, or showing us through a door to another level of understanding and things like that. So I am definitely steering away from attributing the whole thing to an “LSD flashback” (if it was even related to that at all, because while it was happening I didn’t really think that that’s what it was).
Anyways, that’s it man. I made a note to message you about it and then today I did. After reading I hope you can see why I reached out to you. I’m very curious to hear your thoughts.
So that’s it, and now I’m turning it over to you. What are your thoughts? Was it all in my head? Am I going crazy? Or do you agree that life for each of us is just a “game” that we play with the Universe, a game that the Universe is playing with itself? Have you ever felt or “seen” (understood) things similar to what I describe? Do you think there’s anything a person can do to make this kind of experience come about more often? Let us know in the comments section below.